A personal online journal of truth.

Posts tagged ‘love’

Trying to fit in at home

I am off work today. That seems like a good thing until it actually happens. It’s difficult to change routines, not just on myself, but on every member of the household. I’m normally up and gone to the office by the time all the others get up to start their day. Then I don’t arrive home until late in the evening, usually somewhere between 6 and 7 PM. I come in right at dinner time. I join the family for dinner; do some basic chores; give my toddler a bath; then it’s off to bed. I spend at most, 3 to 4 hours every evening with my family – not long. So, today, on my day off, I had a pleasant and relaxing day in mind. It has been far from that.

I’m not sure if it’s just the “change in routine” or what, but my toddler has been a living nightmare all day long. Everyone is edgy and it has been quite unpleasant. Perhaps I am dreaming and not being realistic when I long to have a “normal” at home, family day. I do realize that some of this could simply be driven from the fact, I’m not accustomed to the “at home” life. In contrast, I’m most comfortable at the stressful, fast-paced office work style.

I pray the Lord will give me more patience with my family and they with me as we adjust to a full house for a few days.

Happy Thanksgiving holiday time 🙂

Growing Old

We are born. We grow as children until we become a fully matured adult. Then we begin to die. Slowly we grow older and older. There is no other way in this life. Death will happen to each of us. We cannot stop the hands of time.

With this in mind, how very hopeless it would be to live life believing this “is it!” How very unfair all the trials and suffering we must endure if this life were our only destiny. I thank God it is not. He said, because I live ye shall live also. He promised us an eternal life with Him in Heaven. This life is only a flash in time compared to the eternal life we are promised.

Today, we are moving my Great Aunt Jean into our home. Her health is failing and she can no longer care for herself. We are the closest family she has since she never had children of her own. Her options are either a nursing home or our house. And, although nursing homes are great in theory, we all know that the patients are not cared for as well as they should be. So, in her last years of life, we hope to provide her a little comfort and love.

Going from a three-person household (including a toddler) to a four-person household (with a toddler and an elderly person) is going to be a big adjustment for everyone. To be perfectly honest, I’m slightly scared. My fear simply stems from the unknown. I don’t know exactly what to expect. I’ve never been in this situation before and it’s scary. So, I must step-back and remember that I have no reason to be afraid because God is with me. He will provide. Upon His promise, I believe and I am comforted. I will not dread today. I will rejoice and be glad of today.


*The picture above is not of Aunt Jean but is of my dad’s Aunt Ima. I don’t have any pics of Aunt Jean, yet.

My Mother, His Mamaw

As we fast approach the holidays, Thanksgiving Day will be here first. This is a day which reminds me to count all my blessings. Although I try to be mindful of all my blessings each day, the hustle and bustle of routines and deadlines interfere with this thought process. I forget to take a moment and just reflect upon all I have, not material things but those things that tug at the heart-strings. One of those is my relationship with my mother.

My mom is my best friend. She is my son’s Mamaw, whom he adores! She has spent her entire life making sure I was well taken care of and continues to worry over me even though I am a grown woman, fully capable of caring for myself. I never understood the love she has for me until I became a mother. I thought I knew but, looking back, I didn’t have a clue. The love a mother has for her child is beyond description. It comes from the deepest part of the soul and is pure and beautiful in form. I am so thankful to have been blessed with the kind of mother who values family and God above all else. Material possessions come and go as easy as the wind. But the bonds and ties of a close-knit family endure a lifetime.

My mother has taught me how to be a mother to my son. She continues to teach me about what truly matters in life and I pray that I have her in my life as a teacher for many years to come.

Where Are You (What Aisle #)?


Where are you? I’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting. You are so late! How in the world will we ever catch up?

I’ve been looking for love and ultimately, a husband, to no avail. I tried the online dating adventure and have met several men but no husband material. My most recent experience with online dating was disappointing. Actually he seemed very promising in the beginning. In fact, after our first in person meet up, I announced to my family that I had met my husband. Yes, I know, I jumped the gun just a little. He was educated, smart, cute, funny and he wanted more children. He had a nice home and had already retired from the military (at age 39). He appeared to be a really good catch. Our first couple of dates went really great. Then came the first offense.

My prospective husband asked me politely to join him one evening for a simple date. I politely declined and explained that I had too much going on but would love to another night. This led to him declaring that I am only busy because I make my life busy. That’s right, how could I possible be busy? I work 40 hours per week and am the single parent of a toddler! But in his eyes, my life should not be so busy. Mr. “prospective husband” quickly turned into Mr. “de-facebooked” and Mr. “no more information required”, I was done with him and with online dating for a while. That was 2 months ago.

Since then, I’ve stepped back and reflected on my wants and needs in the husband department. I’m confident in knowing exactly what I am looking for. I’m just lacking confidence in where to find him. At my age (40), is the internet the best and most practical place to look? Should I pay the membership fee and sign up for one of the more “elite” online match-making services? My personal preference would be to meet someone by introduction of friends. However, that hasn’t happened yet and probably won’t. The club scene isn’t even an option. I’m done with going to clubs. They only make me feel old and out-dated (no pun intended). My only other options are church, the grocery store or a chance encounter. First, the church that I attend is very small and does not have any single men. It would be a sin to take another woman’s husband, especially at church, right? Just kidding. I’m betting that the grocery store will never pan out either. I’m yet to find the aisle for husbands and every time I ask the little boy putting away the stock, he looks at me like I’m crazy.

In all seriousness, I really do want a husband. I want a companion for myself and a daddy for my son. I want a family. I’m not a bad catch if I do say so myself. I’m educated. I’m attractive. People always mistake me for being much younger than I am. (That’s right, I’m going to brag a little.) I have a really good personality. I’m adventurous and fun. Somebody better snag me up quick, uh? Perhaps he’s out there. Perhaps he just read this blog. Then again, perhaps he’s at the grocery store.

Sperm Donor Vs. a Dad

My dad is an awesome man. He is smart, successful, and highly intelligent. I ask his advise on a daily basis. I love him and I’ve always been proud to call him dad! But I don’t have his genetics. That’s right, I have a separate sperm donor who is not and has never been a part of my life. I know who he is but choose not to have a relationship with him. He is not my dad even though a DNA test would state otherwise. I do not even carry his last name. I have my dad’s last name. Today, as a grown woman, I am very comfortable with this part of my life. But that was not always the case.

I remember, at age 12, when my mother sat me down and explained to me that my dad was not my “real” dad. Uh? What? Say that again! How could this be? I call him dad. He’s the only dad I had ever known. I was so very confused! I lost my identity. I struggled with this for years and years. I resented my mother for a very long time for her lies regarding my birth father. I just didn’t understand how she could have lied to me for 12 years. She allowed me to build this father/daughter relationship without ever considering I might need to know the truth. How could she lie to her own daughter?

Today, the tables have turned. I am now a single mother of a 16 month old, which I shall call “T” hereafter. T’s biological father (sperm donor) is completely aware of him and in fact is due to begin child support soon. However, T’s sperm donor does not want a relationship with him. Therefore, it’s just me & T for now. But I do hope to meet a nice man one day who would be a “dad” to T. He deserves a dad and I feel guilty that he does not have one. I pray that God will send someone into our lives so that we might have a real family one day. When and if that ever happens, I will be faced with the exact same situation my mother was so many years ago. What will I do out of love for my son?

I know my mother loved me. I didn’t understand this at age 12. I know she wanted me to have the best life possible and I am thankful she met my dad and brought him into my life.  Anyone can contribute sperm in the conception of a child, but not everyone is a “dad.” I love my dad whether or not we are genetically related or not. I want the same thing for my son.

What are your thoughts about step-dads standing in and taking the place as the “real” dad in a child’s life? At what age do you tell the child about his/her biological father?

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