A personal online journal of truth.

Sperm Donor Vs. a Dad

My dad is an awesome man. He is smart, successful, and highly intelligent. I ask his advise on a daily basis. I love him and I’ve always been proud to call him dad! But I don’t have his genetics. That’s right, I have a separate sperm donor who is not and has never been a part of my life. I know who he is but choose not to have a relationship with him. He is not my dad even though a DNA test would state otherwise. I do not even carry his last name. I have my dad’s last name. Today, as a grown woman, I am very comfortable with this part of my life. But that was not always the case.

I remember, at age 12, when my mother sat me down and explained to me that my dad was not my “real” dad. Uh? What? Say that again! How could this be? I call him dad. He’s the only dad I had ever known. I was so very confused! I lost my identity. I struggled with this for years and years. I resented my mother for a very long time for her lies regarding my birth father. I just didn’t understand how she could have lied to me for 12 years. She allowed me to build this father/daughter relationship without ever considering I might need to know the truth. How could she lie to her own daughter?

Today, the tables have turned. I am now a single mother of a 16 month old, which I shall call “T” hereafter. T’s biological father (sperm donor) is completely aware of him and in fact is due to begin child support soon. However, T’s sperm donor does not want a relationship with him. Therefore, it’s just me & T for now. But I do hope to meet a nice man one day who would be a “dad” to T. He deserves a dad and I feel guilty that he does not have one. I pray that God will send someone into our lives so that we might have a real family one day. When and if that ever happens, I will be faced with the exact same situation my mother was so many years ago. What will I do out of love for my son?

I know my mother loved me. I didn’t understand this at age 12. I know she wanted me to have the best life possible and I am thankful she met my dad and brought him into my life.  Anyone can contribute sperm in the conception of a child, but not everyone is a “dad.” I love my dad whether or not we are genetically related or not. I want the same thing for my son.

What are your thoughts about step-dads standing in and taking the place as the “real” dad in a child’s life? At what age do you tell the child about his/her biological father?

Comments on: "Sperm Donor Vs. a Dad" (8)

  1. Hi! Nice to “meet” you and thanks for stopping by.
    I firmly believe that your parents are the ones who do the parenting. Biology holds many important revelations and mysteries, too, but unlocking them is another thing altogether.
    I think the most painful part of the story you’re sharing here is that your son’s father feels a sense of obligation or responsibility toward him, but not to the extent that he wants to know him. That’s a sad reality, and I think you’re confronting it with grace and practicality.

  2. 6512 and growing said:

    Some of the most fabulous dads I know are stepdads.
    What a brave adventure you’re on.

  3. I like your reference to your child’s biological dad as “sperm donor.” Such an appropriate title for many fathers. I am happy that your step-dad could fill the “Dad” role in your life, and I wish you luck in your goal of finding a dad for your son! Sounds like yourlittlemiracle is a lucky guy already, to have you for a Mom. 🙂

  4. Well, you have first hand knowledge of what it is like to receive important information regarding your heritage at a late date. I say to be honest with him, starting now. Have a picture (or 2 or 3) of his biological father available. Explain how he is related to your son and the details of the situation as are appropriate for each age. But never hide the truth. To find out a big deal like biology at an age (12) where you are ready to blame your parents for the color of the sky can be disastrous.

    • Thank you so much for your comments. I completely agree with your thinking. I want to be open and honest with him so that he can “grow” into it. A shocking revelation such as this at an older age can be disastrous. Thanks for the advice about using a picture. I had not thought of that but I’m already digging one out.

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